Week 8- July 28, 2010

Spencer with the CTM President - President and Sister Clark

The group of missionaries that Spencer entered the CTM with,

now ready to leave for the mission field.

My family, Its amazing how fast these two months have gone. I remember watching the group of missionaries leaving the following Tuesday sit in a special part in the choir for their Sunday evening performance before devotional, and imagining what it would be like when it is my turn to sit in those chairs. Well it is my turn on Sunday and it's gone so fast. I feel very humble about going into the field.

I am so dependent on others. I will be dependent on my companion for almost everything that goes on as I am learning so many new things and most of all I will be entirely dependent on the Lord. Because of my situation, I feel this dependency much more real at this time in my life. I loved the feeling of walking out of the gym and feeling so powerful. I loved knowing how much weight I was just able to lift and there was this masculine feeling of drive that I really liked having. My feelings now are very different. Very very different. The bar above me weighs seemingly infintely heavier than a weight I have lifted before, and on Tuesday morning, no matter how good I feel, I am going to get under and try to push it up. It is a feeling not of weakness, or of that powerful drive. It's a feeling of complete submission and trust, with my both my own weakness and trust and my own faith in the enabling power of the Lord ever present in my mind.

I've never began an undertaking as large as what I am doing, and I feel so small very often but I know that as I give the Lord all I have today, and tomorrow, and everyday somehow, in some way, I will be used. I have faith, God can create an order out of what seems out of control and scary. I know that somehow, in my new area, some member of the ward or investigator will take interest in me in a way that makes the Lord's awareness of me and love for me evident. I don't know how, but I know it will come to pass. I will wait for it, not because the Lord owes me something, for I am doing what many have done before. At times it seems like the tenderness of my heart will break under all that its submitted to, and the Lord knows that, and will succor me.

Proselyting this last Friday was a great experience. It was not the typical experience I have heard, and Elder Bavender and I had very little success. I felt comfortable with the language, I felt confident in my ability to walk up to people, but I watched as the others in my district had success, and Elder Bavender and I didn't. I learned something wonderful from all of this, and that is to always trust in the Lord. It doesn't matter what earthly gifts we possess, or how hard we've worked. We are all dependent on the Lord. I am beginning to FEEL this more and more and the feeling is the key. It's one thing to know because we have faith, but what a blessing it is when our faith begins to allow us to feel. A whole new level of understanding was opened to me.

After returning home feeling discouraged, our district had something called compansionship study which was introducing the English language learning program to Brazilians. I listened to Brazilians, who speak effortlessly the langauge I want to speak, struggle with making the basic sounds and words of the English language I take for granted. It touched me in a way I can't describe, but I know that it was a gift from my Heavenly Father. Tears were in my eyes and the Brazilians I was practiced with may have wondered what was going on. I loved seeing their humility and excitement about learning a language, and I loved giving them encouraging compliments about my belief in them to accomplish what they set out to do. A lot of praying had gone into my fasting, and what at first was a disappoinment, turned out to be an abundant blessing in both understanding and experience.

I'm grateful for agency and the ability to choose. I'm grateful for experience. I'm grateful for this gospel. I'm grateful most of all, for my Savior Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer. I love you all so so so much. Love, Spencer

Week 7- July 21st

Well this last week was crazy. We had TRC on Saturday and our teacher brought in members of her family dressed in non missionary clothes and they have these rooms set up here in the mtc that look like normal living rooms. There is even a doorbell sound and we greet our "investigators" at the door and teach a lesson in Portuguese. It was very intense, and I didn't feel prepared at all but I doubt many missionaries do, even those who have spoken Portuguese since they were born. Elder Bavender and I went in, taught an okay lesson, but I was frustrated after because it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. Irma Neves brother, who was my mock investigator could speak in English and at the end he said "don't give up!" I went and had a little private moment in prayer after and then all I wanted to do was study study study.

Sunday, I kept feeling it! It was driving me crazy because I was doing all I knew how to do to feel good, but I still felt very discouraged. Monday morning I woke up and as the day got going I continued to have the same feelings in my heart. There would be temporary rests when I would feel the Spirit strongly, but then I would feel the frustrations again. In class, I normally would feel very confident with all of the things we were doing, but for the first two hours of class Monday I felt slow. I don't know how else to describe it, but it was as though I was missing some part of the formula in order to succeed.

My teacher wanted to talk to me, and I believe it was a tender mercy of our Father in Heaven prompting her to do this and she took me into the hall and gave me such a wonderful compliment. I got emotional with her for a moment, because she told me how well I was doing in exactly what I felt I wasn't doing well in. When I walked back into the class room, my mind was totally different. I could once again grasp and apply all that we were doing. From this experience I learned several things. The first is how wonderful a compliment can be. Irma Neves served a mission, has worked with hundreds of missionaries, and speaks fluent Portuguese and English. The weight of a compliment coming from her, a woman with experience in the things she was saying, meant so much to me. It lifted me more than I could atequately describe, and our conversation lasted about 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes made all of the difference to me as I was silently suffering for a few days.

The second thing I learned was how much the Lord is aware of me. It doesn't matter if the scriptures say it, or our Prophet, we must feel it. Feel how much the Lord really does care when my heart aches, or when I feel discouraged. He really does, and He ran to succor me on Monday. Not only that, my ability to learn and grow is because of divine intervention. I know this. I feel this. The contrast before and after the comment was so stark. It was not just coincidence. I am a firm believer in President Uchtdorfs talk about how we are the hands of the Lord. Any gentle touch, word, or gesture we make can be the touch, word or gesture the Lord would give if He were among us now.

The gospel is real. My faith is small, my patience short, and any other Christlike attribute needs so much work, but I feel these things are true. I want all to receive the truth I know. I dont do this just for fun. I dont do this out of habit. It's true because everday I feel the Lord's hand in my life, and we all will if we are looking for it. It is time to remove doubts from our mind. This is all so real. I go prosyleting again this Friday aroudn the same time. Pray for me! I love you all so much. Love you all. Love, Spencer

Week 6- July 14, 2010

So this last Friday was proselyting and it went so well. I was told that the very best thing you can do is talk to the first person you see. Within 30 seconds of walking outside the gates I started a conversation with a husband and wife and their daughter. They had never heard of The Book of Mormon. That concept is so cool to me because the gospel really is new here in Brazil and Im so grateful to be called to an area with such wonderful people. I was blessed with an ability to communicate and there was not one awkward moment where I didnt know what to say and they couldn't understand me. What a blessing it really was.

The most tender experience was when Elder Bavender and I were walking by a little market and we began to talk to two men talking outside. This market is right open to the street as most stores here in Brazil, and as I was talking, a younger man, probably 19 or 20 was cleaning a counter and looking intently at The Book of Mormon. I included him in the conversation and then focused on him as Elder Bavender talked to the others. I stepped inside the store and told him about this wonderful book. I could see the sincerity in his eyes and feel of his sincere desire and curiousity. He asked if he could have the book and from his expression it was very clear he would read the book. I felt the Spirit strongly as I was testifying to him. How wonderful of an experience it was to be among the people I will shortly be working with. Even those who were busy or not interested told us in such a polite way.

The people here in Brazil are wonderful. I feel so blessed to be walking these streets and speaking this language. I prayed to have a confidence building experience and I really did. I now know through that experience that I can assist in moving the work forward even in my weaknesses. My mission began a month and a half ago. It does not begin when Im in the field or can speak fluent Portuguese. If I am willing to be an instrument in His hands, He will reveal someway for me to be effective my first day in the field. It may have to be a little more creative, but our all knowing Father in Heaven will reveal to me what to do, or say, or perhaps even act out. I have faith that this is true, and I'm so grateful for the Lord in revealing this new faith provoking thought to me. I'm so grateful to be a missionary of the Lord. I'm so grateful for all that the Lord is investing in me and His trust. I'm so grateful for the joy that flows into my heart, that is not fabricated in my mind in any way whatsover, and the peace that comes over me when I feel the Spirit burning strong in my heart. What I'm teaching began before this world was, and will go far after my 2 years in my youth. This is the only way back to our Father in Heaven. The gospel is real. Ask sincerely and you will receive. I believe it does all of us good if we sit back and contemplate the plan of salvation. I love you all. so so so much. Love, Spencer

Week 5- July 7, 2010

This last week has been great here in the CTM (centro de treinamento missionario, yes we call it the CTM). It really is amazing how fast time goes. This Friday we go proselyting for in the streets around the CTM for 4 hours. Please, please pray for me. I feel confident because of my faith in the Lord, but not in my own ability. Portuguese really is coming along, and I think I am much harder on myself than I ought to be, but I just want to improve and improve.

My mind has been on going to the field a lot lately, and its crazy to think how truly soon it is. Driving back from the Temple today, I saw two missionaries when we were stopped at a light. I rolled down the window and yelled to them and showed them my tag and I told them I’m going to Sao Paulo Norte. One said "That’s my mission!!" It was a really simple, but really encouraging to see these two Elders walking fast up the street. I’m really looking forward to preaching the gospel. This truly is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. Learning a new language is so hard on the mind and the heart. I am not only physically exhausted at the end of each day, but I’m so emotionally exhausted from giving my whole heart to every day.

On Monday, my whole district had one of the most challenging days here in the CTM. We had a surprise lesson we had to teach in Portuguese and no one got to prepare for it. My companion got really frustrated and didn’t say a lot (it was a rough day for him, he’s awesome and definitely a trooper) so lots of it was on me. I could say what I wanted but it was just slow and my mind was moving so fast. I had to ask a few questions about conjugating. I was teaching an Elder a week in front of us who had much more freedom in speaking, so I began to compare myself. it was so frustrating. When we all were back in our classroom after teaching, the frustration was tangible. It was amazing how much you could feel the emotions in the room. I wasn't exercising as positive thoughts as I usually do, but then weightlifting with Daniel came into my mind. I was thinking about our chest workouts that we would get so pumped up for. I remember receiving texts from him saying things like "an hour until a monster chest workout, I’m so pumped bro" and I would say the same in return. When we worked out we would destroy our muscles to the point that at the end of a workout, we couldn't do one push up. Was this because we were weak? No, we could (I say could, because there’s no way I can now, but that’s okay) both lift 100 more than we weigh. It's because we had worked really, really hard. We would walk out of the gym high fiving each other after an embarrassing light last set. We took joy, in breaking down our muscles, re-cooperating, and doing it again. I began to look at my frustration in Portuguese as a really good workout, and man was it good! I am grateful for the perspective the gym has given me.

My time is flashing on the screen but know that I love you so much. I pray for you everyday. I’m so grateful for a Celestial family on earth. We really are so blessed. The church is true.

Love love, love, Spencer

Elder Bavender, Spencer's first companion and one of their favorite Brazilian teachers.

Spencer with O Libro de Mormon